5e vs Pathfinder: A Dance of D&Ds

On this blog, I’ve talked about leaving D&D for Pathfinder, and even a bit about leaving Pathfinder for D&D 5e.  The truth is, my feelings on these two actually mirror my feelings on my two favorite programming languages: C++ and Perl.  I learned C++ first, and I loved it.  Mostly.  But then I learned Perl and it was so much better than C++.  Except there were still parts of C++ that I missed.  And then sometimes I would go back to C++ and I would remember all the reasons I loved it ... and all the reasons I left it.  Back and forth, always missing whichever one I wasn’t using, always nostalgic for the other one.

Remember when I talked about game rotation?  Well, as I mentioned, most of our games are 5e (or variants thereof), but occasionally we dabble in other games.  And, recently, we finally decided to play a Pathfinder campaign, spurred by my eldest’s love of the Kingmaker adventure path.  And I was quite excited to get back to Pathfinder, because there were lots of things I missed about it.  Except now that I’m deep in it ...

You see, as I explained a bit when I originally talked about Pathfinder, it made a number of improvements on D&D 3e.  You may also remember from my discussion of multiclassing in 3e that 3e (and even moreso Pathfinder) has my favorite implementation of multiclassing, and that’s just one of the many ways that Pathfinder makes character creation a joy.  You have so many options ... many people would say too many.

But allow me a brief digression: I will always maintain that you can never have too many choices.  Now, people will inevitably respond with “but ... analysis paralysis!” Yes, indeed: analysis paralysis is all too real, and it can be very problematic, especially when people need to make a series of choices in a row.  And that’s all a roleplaying character is, you know—a series of choices.  Some big, most small, but just choice after choice after choice.  So analysis paralysis can really screw you over when you try to build a character.  But here’s my potentially—hell, probably—contentious opinion: analysis paralysis isn’t caused by having too many choices.  It’s caused by having those choices shittily organized.  Think of it this way:  If I asked you pick from a list of 256 options, there’s no way you could do it.  The analysis paralysis would be crippling.  On the other hand, if I asked you pick from a list of 4 options, that would be trivial.  If I asked you to pick from a list of 4 options 4 times ... still pretty easy.  But, see, 4 to the power of 4 is 256.  To make 1 choice from 256 options is next to impossible (without spending an inordinate amount of time, in any event); to make 4 choices from 4 options each still gives you 256 total options, but they’ve been organized in such a fashion that the chioces are pretty easy.

This is important in the context of TTRPG character creation because, as I said above: character building is just choosing a bunch of options.  Now, I’m not saying that Pathfinder is immune to crappy organization which can cause analysis paralysis.  For instance, the number of feats available in the game is ... overwhelming.  But, they’re all tagged with various tags.  For this campaign, I built a witch character.  We started at 4th level, so I needed to choose 2 feats.  There are (quite literally) hundreds of feats to choose from.  Except a lot of them (like, a whole lot of them) are combat feats.  My witch is not going to be doing a lot of melee combat: she’ll be casting spells, and using hexes (which are like special magic tricks only available to witches).  So I don’t need any of those combat-oriented feats.  A bunch more are “teamwork” feats, which are only useful if two or more characters take them, so I eliminated those as well.  “Metamagic” feats can change the way you cast spells; some of them might be useful for a witch character, but they’re far more useful for what’s called a “spontaneous caster” (as opposed to a “prepared caster,” which a witch is).  So I’ll skip those.  And so on, and so forth, until I’ve narrowed down the list of potential feats from hundreds to a dozen or two.  Still more options than I’d like, and Pathfinder could still stand to add a few more layers of organization for their feats, but it was doable.  And I did it.

So, now I’m playing a witch named Wilhemina Osterdale Bexxancourt—but please call her “Bexx,” everbody does—and she’s a custom race, which is another thing Pathfinder makes it very easy to do via its race builder rules, and she has an “archetype,” which is another thing Pathfinder has over 5e (although, to be fair, 5e has started dabbling in this arena lately: they refer to Pathfinder archetypes as “variants” and use “archetypes” to mean subclasses, which is very confusing for those of us who have to go back and forth).  My race and archetype are based on comic characters, actually: the talokka are based on the Legion of Superheroes’ Shadow Lass,¹ who hails from a planet called Talok VIII, and, while I can’t be sure that the creators of the “tatterdemalion” archetype specifically had Ragman in mind when they wrote it, the fact that he’s often referred to as “the Tattered Tatterdemalion” in the comics is surely suggestive.  So I’m a blue-skinned spellcaster who can manipulate shadows and whose clothes can reach out grab people, who talks to the stars, which grant her her powers, and also to her indigo and lavender fox, which is her companion and mentor.  Also, I’m traveling with a clone of Vexx and a little boy whose stuffed toy shaped like a demon can turn into an actual demon.  In Pathfinder, none of this was particularly difficult to build.  In 5e ... well, let’s just say there would have been a lot of reskinning, refluffing, and handwaving, and it still wouldn’t have been as satisfying as what we have currently.  In my humble opinion.

So, you may say to yourself, sounds like you’re happy to be playing Pathfinder then!  Yeah, you’d think that ...

See, the problem is that the character creation is only one part at the beginning at the campaign.  It’s a huge part, don’t get me wrong ... but still only one part, and it’s over before you even start playing.  Then you get to the actual gameplay, and that’s where 5e really shines.  Simple example: as a prepared spellcaster, I know a certain number of spells, and, out of the ones I know, I can “prepare” a certain number of those spells to have on hand on any given day.²  Now, in 5e, I would be able to prepare, let’s say, the spell cure wounds.  Once it was prepared, I could cast it as many times as I liked.  I could also cast it at either 1st level, or at 2nd level³ ... whichever the situation called for (i.e. depending on how bad the wounds I wished to cure actually were).  In Pathfinder, I have to have two entirely different spells: cure light wounds, and cure moderate wounds.  I need to know both of those, and, if I want to cast both of them, I need to prepare them both.  Worse, if I think I may need to cure some moderately severe wounds more than once, I have to prepare cure moderate more than once.  This felt perfectly normal back in the days when I played Pathfinder exclusively and 5e was just a rumour known as “D&D Next.” But, now that I’ve been playing 5e for, at this point, years—maybe even longer than I played Pathfinder, now that I think about it—this seems utterly insane.  And limiting.  And just ... annoying.

Of course, the obvious thing to do is to play some hybrid Frankenstein system where you would build your characters using Pathfinder rules and then play them using 5e rules.  Except that you can’t really do that, because everything is so intertwined.  Take my example of cure wounds above: that works in 5e because they revamped the entire magic system, collapsing similar spells into one, and adding “upcasting” effects for when you cast a lower level spell in a higher level spell slot.  That was a lot of work.  Pathfinder characters are all built on the assumption that you’re using Pathfinder spells; if you suddenly said, no, we’re using 5e spells instead, what would that do to the power levels? the spell slot progressions? the tables of spells known? class spell lists? what about domain spells for clerics and patron spells for witches? some of those are Pathfinder-only spells—what do we do then?

And the magic system is just one place where character creation and character play intersect: what about the alignment system? the skill system? the feat system? the differing methods of increasing ability scores, both as a racial feature and during level progression?  There are just two damn many moving parts here to successfully combine the two into any semblance of something that would actually work.  Well, without putting massive effort into it, and it seems foolish to devote that much time into something that you have no idea what the chance of success is, or how useful it would be even if you do succeed.  So I kind of feel like I’m stuck wishing I was using Pathfinder when I’m building characters for 5e, and wishing I was using 5e when I’m actually playing Pathfinder.  And it’s a bummer.

I don’t know if this tension will ever get resolved.  You may recall my talking about looking forward to Pathfinder 2nd edition (a.k.a. “P2”), but that turned out to be a bust.  They really blew it, in my opinion.  Not only did it devolve into each class being a huge list of powers like D&D 4e tried to do,⁴ but they also completely removed multiclassing (again, like 4e tried to do).  You know, for all the hate that 4e got (and I’m guilty of quite a lot of it myself), 4e did a lot of things right.  But it screwed up in (at least) two fundamental areas; the idea that Paizo (the makers of Pathfinder) would look at 4e and go “let’s only take the parts that really failed!” is just incomprehensible to me.  If I wanted something entirely different from the D&D lineage, I certainly have lots of great choices.  My eldest is particularly fond of the “Powered by the Apocalypse” sytem.⁵  But I don’t want something entirely different.  I don’t want to throw out the baby with the bathwater, so to speak.  I love the D&D system and mythology and even some of its little weirdsies,⁶ like saving throws, or high-level characters being able to survive falls from orbit.⁷  I just want the thing I love to be better, not to abandon it entirely.  I’m not sure if there will ever be an answer here.  P2 didn’t do it, and, while “6e” is mere conjecture at this point, it seems a safe bet that, even if it does arrive one day, the amazing success of 5e taught its creators that “simpler is better.” Of course, I don’t believe that.  But simpler gets more people to try out the game, and (strictly from a business perspective) having a steady stream of new customers is way more important than catering to those few customers who have grown sophisticated enough to want more options.  So a future hypothetical 6e probably won’t address it either.  It may just be an insoluable problem.

And that makes me sad.  Not completely depressed, of course, but just a bit bummed out.  Maybe one day someone will solve this dilemma.  Until then, I’ll keep playing the one and missing the other, and swapping back and forth just to keep myself appreciating whichever one I’m not playing at the moment.  It’s still a lot of fun either way.

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1 Shadow Lass was later renamed “Umbra” when the naming convention of “So-and-So Boy” and “Such-and-Such Girl” fell out of style, but that was well after my time reading comics.

2 Yes, I know that, as a witch, I’m not constrained to a limited number of spells known, as a bard or sorcerer would be.  That’s not really relevant to my point here though.

3 For this campaign, our characters are starting at 3rd level, so I have access to 2nd level spells.

4 The fact that “powers” was spelled “feats” did nothing to alleviate that impression.

5 That’s the one that is used for Dungeon World, Monster of the Week, Masks, etc etc etc.

6 To steal a phrase from Judge John Hodgman.

7 For those who didn’t realize that, the issue arises because there’s a maximum amount of falling damage one can take.  The reason there’s a maximum is to represent (sort of) the concept of terminal velocity.  The problem comes in because maximum falling damage is anything but terminal for most characters once they get up around 15th level or so.

Isolation Report, Week #63

No long post this time, but I will point out that this week saw the last episode of round 2 of Narrative Telephone.  You may recall my first talking about it back in week 8, again briefly in week 14, and I even gave it a 5-star rating in my pandemic TV roundup part 2.  Well, that was all about round 1.  Now they’ve done round 2, adding guest stars to help them achieve maximum chaos.  This last one was an amazing story kicked off by Aabria Iyengar, which of course the Crticial Role crew butchered beyond recognition.  But you should watch ’em all.  It’s the closest to joy I’ve gotten out of the past year and a half.

• R2E1: Return of the Matt (Matt Mercer starts; Brian W. Foster guests)
• R2E2: Two Brothers, One Coast (Brian W. Foster starts)
• R2E3: The Night Before Winter’s Crest (Laura Bailey starts, Micah Burton guests)
• R2E4: Two Brothers, One Coast (Micah Burton starts)
• R2E5: Questions and Quackery (Liam O’Brien starts, Dani Carr guests)
• R2E6: Familiar Feywild Fables (Dani Carr starts)
• R2E7: Chutney’s Christmas Vacation (Travis Willingham starts, Aabria Iyengar guests)
• R2E8: Of Heists and Horses (Aabria Iyengar starts)

Again, you don’t have to understand anything about Critical Role—or anything about D&D at all—to appreciate these.  It’s just the delight of watching 8 friends (and guests) struggle to recreate what has gone before, and then watch each other fuck it up completely and give each other shit about it.  It’s fun, and it’s funny, and it’s weirdly sweet.  Take happiness where you can find it, especially these days.

P’raps something more substantial next week.

Smokelit Flashback VI

"Snow-Coated Thought Cage"

[This is one post in a series about my music mixes.  The series list has links to all posts in the series and also definitions of many of the terms I use.  You may wish to read the introduction for more background.  You may also want to check out the first volume in this multi-volume mix for more info on its theme.

Like all my series, it is not necessarily contiguous—that is, I don’t guarantee that the next post in the series will be next week.  Just that I will eventually finish it, someday.  Unless I get hit by a bus.]

We’re coming up on 5 years since we last visited the noir-infused trip-hop that is Smokelit Flashback, which was, once upon a time, my longest mix.  It’s been eclipsed lately by Salsatic Vibrato (and equalled by Shadowfall Equinox),¹ but there’s still a lot of great music to be discovered here, so let’s dive in.

You know, I talked a bit on Shadowfall Equinox V about how every volume of a mix is just a bit different from the others, even though they share strong connecting tissue.  In that same volume, I also talked about a song that kept getting bumped from one volume to the next because it didn’t quite fit on any of them.  And so it was with the Sneaker Pimps—one of the few trip-hop artists to see some pop success—with their classic “6 Underground,” which just barely failed to break the top 40 in the U.S.² but went all the way to #15 in the U.K.  It’s a great tune, but just a little too upbeat, too ... well, poppy ... for the other volumes of this mix.  So it kept getting pushed along until it found some volumemates to land with.  (And, honestly, opening volume VI with “6 Underground” was just too spot-on to pass up.)

One of the first such volumemates was “A Girl Like You” by Edwyn Collins, which is not really trip-hop at all, but certainly quite poppy.³  These two tunes are both so radio-friendly that, for a long time, I had them butting up against each other as the opening tracks of the volume.  But eventually I had to face the fact that, while the songs might pair nicely, a transition is more about the closing notes of one track and the opening notes of the next, and these two didn’t really gel in that way.  But despite their pop leanings, they both still have ... something ... something noir-ish and trippy and indelibly Smokelit Flashback.

So, somewhat stragely, this is a fairly upbeat volume of this mix.  Perhaps that’s most reflected in the fact that we see so few of our go-to artists here: of those artists with 4 or more tracks on the mix, only Hooverphonic makes it here: there’s no Naomi, no Portishead, and no Falling You.  Those appearing 3 times fare a bit better, with with Devics, Goldfrapp, and hands upon black earth all making their third appearance right here.  Hooverphonic’s “2Wicky” leans into the upbeat vibe, with its assurance that “SH-10151, this is the serial number of our orbital gun.” I wouldn’t call it uptempo, for sure, but the stacatto snare hits and swirling keyboards make it upbeat in my book.  Too, Goldfrapp’s breathy spoken-word vocals on “Utopia” lead to some crescendoes of high-pitched synth notes that make it difficult to classify as downbeat.  It’s a bit more difficult for Devics or hube to be upbeat, but the plaintive, saloon-piano of “Heaven Please” actually served as a pretty nice bridge between “6 Underground” and “Girl Like You.” As for hands upon black earth, “Ovforever” kicks off with the whispered repetition of “no dream is the earth ... just a dream,” but then acquires a driving synth beat that is not particularly upbeat, but not particularly downbeat either.⁴  It’s nearly 7 minutes of that, but somehow it works and doesn’t get repetitive.

Showing up for only the second time are Mono, Baco de Gaia, and Ugress.  Mono’s solid trip-hop bona fides will out, of course; while “The Outsider” is definitely a bit more upbeat than “Life in Mono,”⁵ it still retains the Portishead-like quality that made Siobhan de Maré the amazing front woman of not one but two trip-hop bands.⁶  Ugress, on the other hand, is quite often upbeat, as we’ve seen repeatedly on Paradoxically Sized World (volumes II, III, and IV) and dramatically on Fulminant Cadenza, but he can also be a bit dark, which we saw last volume.  “Queen of Darkness” has some great vocals, some wordless (and no doubt retuned) operatics that sound like the faux theremin of Star Trek, and a chilling sound bite from Christopher Walken’s portrayal of the archangel Gabriel from The Prophecy.⁷  Banco de Gaia’s chill (which is, of course, also called downtempo) is fairly consistent, but they did one club hit (“Obsidian”), and the vocal version of “Glove Puppet” I use here features the same singer, Jennifer Folker (who is also half of Dahlia, whom you may recall from volumes III and IV).  Folker’s soaring vocals sound almost like a plea, which is echoed in the lyrics (e.g. “please remember what I look like”).  Again, not exactly upbeat, but something more immediate than the standard downbeat fare.

In the “not particularly surprising” category, Wax Tailor’s lazy, swirling, exotica-adjacent trip-hop works well here.  It’s the first time we’ve seen the French producer, but almost certainly won’t be the last.  And surely you had to know we’d eventually get to Julee Cruise—the only shocking thing is that it isn’t a track off the Twin Peaks soundtrack, but rather from Graeme Revell’s excellent soundtrack for Until the End of the World, where it has just enough twangy guitar that it makes a perfect follow-on to “A Girl Like You.” And, considering that the last time we saw Kristin Hersh she was hanging out on Smooth as Whispercats, it shouldn’t be too weird to see her show up here.  The Throwing Muses alum has a tendency to sing lyrics that are just a bit ... off, and “Beestung” is no exception: I don’t know what a “snow-coated thought cage” is, but I just had to make it the volume title.  For this tune, the music is also a bit anxiety producing—I suspect it’s in a minor key, but I admit my musical acuity is insufficient to know for sure.  Although I still think “The Key” is the pinnacle of Hersh’s career, I also love “Beestung,” and was thrilled to get a chance to feature it here.

My most favorite find of all, though, would have to be Waldeck.  I originally discovered him because of his almost loungy cover of “Bai Mir Bist du Schön,” but he has so much range, as you may remember from hearing “The Night Garden” on Phantasma Chorale I.  Here, he epitomizes the more upbeat side of this mix with an extremely trip-hop-y tune which includes only a single lyric—the repeated whispered “get up”—backed by tinkling piano, a clarinet lick, some synth noodling, and a “scratchy record” overlay to give it some character.  It’s a sublime track, and it’s really the centerpiece of this volume.

Finally, our closer is a fairly well-known trip-hop tune (assuming you’re into trip-hop, that is), “Golden” by Thunderball.  Thunderball is a DC-based group on the label founded by the guys behind Thievery Corporation.⁸  “Golden” is a mellow instrumental that has a lot of character, which makes it the perfect note for closing out this mix.

Smokelit Flashback VI
[ Snow-Coated Thought Cage ]

“6 Underground” by Sneaker Pimps, off Becoming X
“Heaven Please” by Devics, off My Beautiful Sinking Ship
“A Girl Like You” by Edwyn Collins, off Gorgeous George
“Summer Kisses, Winter Tears” by Julee Cruise, off Until the End of the World [Soundtrack]
“My Favorite Plum” by Suzanne Vega, off Nine Objects of Desire
“Beestung” by Kristin Hersh, off Strings [EP]
“The Outsider” by Mono, off Formica Blues
“Communion (instrumental)” by Swing out Sister, off It's Better to Travel
“Get Up Carmen” by Waldeck, off Ballroom Stories
“2Wicky” by Hooverphonic, off A New Stereophonic Sound Spectacular
“Ovforever” by hands upon black earth, off hands upon black earth
“Mary Ann” by Swingerhead, off She Could Be a Spy
“Glove Puppet [vocal version]” by Banco de Gaia, off Igizeh
“3:51 AM” by oOoOO, off Without Your Love
“Ungodly Fruit” by Wax Tailor, off Tales of the Forgotten Melodies
“Utopia” by Goldfrapp, off Felt Mountain
“Lost” by Emma's Mini, off Beat Generation Mad Trick
“Queen of Darkness” by Ugress, off Resound
“Golden” by Thunderball [Single]

Total:  19 tracks,  78:19

Of the more unusual picks, probably none is moreso than Swingerhead, whose dangerously-close-to-silly “She Might Be a Spy” was featured on Salsatic Vibrato IV.⁹  Well, apparently the “she” who “might be a spy” is the titular “Mary Ann,” because while this tune has an exotica feel that nearly pushed it into Zephyrous Aquamarine territory, it most brings to mind a spy movie soundtrack, thus bringing us full circle to my observation that Portishead sounded like the soundtrack for a very trippy James Bond movie that never was.  Plus it has those same Star-Trek-y theremin-adjacent wordless vocalizations that we heard on the Ugress track, so it just seemed perfect here.¹⁰

There’s only one proper bridge on this volume, which is courtesy of oOoOO (supposedly pronounced “oh” and supposedly designed to represent a hand: the little “o"s are the knuckles of tucked in fingers, and the big “O"s are extended fingers).  The San Franciscan artist is often called the pioneer of witch house (the genre for which Grimes is famous), but he’s also sometimes described as chillwave, and that’s a perfect label for “3:51 AM,” which has just a touch of hip-hop, but is mostly gothic-adjacent downtempo.  It’s the perfect lead-in to the quote from Jack Benny’s strange black comedy about Nazis To Be or Not to Be that is the opening of “Ungodly Fruit.”

That having been said, Swing Out Sister’s other instrumental track from It’s Better to Travel¹¹ serves much the same purpose as a bridge ... just a very long one.  But its jazzy meandering does work well to take us from the much more mellow trip-hop of Mono to the more evocative and upbeat Waldeck.

Suzanne Vega might seem an odd choice at first, but instead of thinking of her folksier fare such as “Luka” or “Tom’s Diner,” try remembering her whimsical side (featured on Bleeding Salvador I), or her slinkier side (from Slithy Toves I).  This is somewhere in between, though definitely leaning more toward the slithery sound of “Caramel” from the latter.  Perhaps it’s the echoey bass twang, or perhaps the Hammond organ sound, but this tune has put me firmly in mind of this mix for quite a while, and I was just waiting for a volume pop-tolerant enough to showcase it.

Last but certainly not least, I’m excited to finally introduce you to emma’s mini, a Seattle duo that Magnatune describes as “glamorously femme electropop.” Discovered via Magnatune, of course,¹² emma’s mini has a lot of great, upbeat music that definitely slots into the electropop genre, but “Lost” is kind of downbeat for them ... which means it’s pretty upbeat for Smokelit Flashback.  I thought it really captured the vibe of trip-hop trapped in an old black-and-white movie, though, so I slotted it for this mix, and this is where it finally bubbled up.  We’ll be hearing from them again on other mixes, I’m sure.¹³

Next time, I think we’ll take a second crack at getting smooth.

⇐ Smokelit Flashback V

Smokelit Flashback VII ⇒

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1 And don’t even get me started on 80s My Way, which has ... well, a lot of volumes.  But that one doesn’t really count as a “proper” mix.

2 Peaking at 45, actually.

3 At number #32, it was in the bottom of the top 40 in the U.S., but it was #4 in the U.K. and actually #1 in a few countries, such as Belgium and Iceland.

4 Fun fact: remember back on volume IV when I used hube’s “Dream” to transition into “the canoe and the waterfall” by Falling You?  That worked because “Dream” ends with the words “he turns to me and speaks without words ...” Well, the whispered refrain of “Ovforever” is what that transitions into on the hube album.

5 Which we heard back on volume III.

6 The other being Violet Indiana, which showed up last volume.

7 One of my favorite films; you should check it out.

8 Who we heard from on volume III and volume V.

9 And whose more straight-ahead track “Swing Out” was a late addition to Salsatic Vibrato II.

10 And the possibility that it actually refers to the Gilligan’s Island character can be ignored: I’m living proof.

11 We heard the first on Phantasma Chorale I.

12 As is hands upon black earth.  I suppose artists who don’t like to capitalize their names are just naturally attracted to a virtual record label with a “We’re Not Evil” motto.  See Rose-Coloured Brainpan for a more full discussion of Magnatune.

13 Most likely their next appearance will be on HipHop Bottlerocket II.

D&D Story #1: The Demon Doll

You know, the great thing about having your gaming group be comprised of you and your children¹ is that all your D&D stories double as cute kid stories, so perhaps if you reader don’t care for the one aspect, you’ll enjoy the other.  Of course, if you don’t like either one ... well, see you next week, I suppose.

Now, as I explained in my post on game rotation, we’re actually doing a few different games—different campaigns, sometimes whole different systems—and occasionally we put aside one and start a new one.  Mostly this has to do with the sessions that my eldest child runs, because I just keep the two I have going and don’t experiment with new stuff.²  But that one is full of ideas, and every once in a while we just play something new and different for a while ... remember, one of the advantages that I talked about with the game rotation system is that you’re more open to experimental stuff.  Anyhow, the latest experiment is try to play a Pathfinder game.

If you don’t know what Pathfinder is, the short answer is that it’s an offshoot of an older version of D&D.³  The components of roleplaying games (TTRPGs, in any event) typically get divided into two categories: the nitty-gritty, mechanical bits, and the more abstract roleplaying bits like the setting and advice on how to roleplay and that sort of stuff.  Or the crunch and the fluff, as we generally refer to it.  The current version of D&D tends to try to strike a balance of about half-and-half crunch vs fluff, but there are other games which lean hard on the fluff and are pretty crunch-lite⁴ ... and then there are games which are super-crunchy.  Pathfinder is one of those.  That’s mostly why we haven’t tried to play it yet: it’s a lot to take in for our younger players.  But my middle child is ready (mostly), and my youngest has been playing for over a year now, so despite her young age she’s got some real experience under her belt.  So we thought we’d give it a shot.

I eventually came up with a character idea that I thought was pretty hip, and my middle child went with one of their first-ever⁵ non-shapeshifter-centric characters, basing him on the old videogame character Vexx.  But I promised you a cute kid story, so let’s focus on what my youngest came up with.

She’s going to play a young child: specifically, the long-lost brother of her character in the Freak Campaign,⁶ Rose Redd.  His name is Levi,⁷ and he’s 11.  At first, my eldest was none too keen on this plan, not wanting to run a game where they regularly had to put a young child into dangerous situations.  But my youngest persisted, and she explained further.  See, this young boy doesn’t actually fight when there’s trouble.  Instead, he lugs around a stuffed toy that he found (who knows where) on his long travels.⁸  This toy looks like a demon—a fluffy, lumpy, child’s toy version of a demon, granted, but a demon nonetheless.  Horns, red skin, pointy tail ... the whole kit and caboodle.  But it’s beat up: it’s threadbare, one of its eyes is missing, part of its stuffing has fallen out so it’s lopsided and parts of it are a bit flat, and so on.  It definitely doesn’t look menacing, but perhaps a bit creepy ... who thought this was going to make for an adorable children’s toy?  But here’s the dark secret: when Levi is put in danger, this demon doll actually morphs into a full-sized, very real demon, who goes rampaging off and attacks the enemies.  So the demon does all the fighting, while the kid very intelligently stays hidden and safe from danger.  Outside of combat, the kid can contribute in more roleplaying-focussed ways, like helping to solve puzzles or maybe some light scouting (the kid’s got to be very good at remaining unseen to have survived this long), and is probably decent at using his power of cute to make friends.  But, when the swords and spells come out ... so does the demon.

Now, this on its own is a pretty inventive concept.  (For those of you wondering how we plan to implement this mechanically, Pathfinder has a class called a “summoner.” It’s never been my favorite Pathfinder class,⁹ but this is actually one place where it can make sense.  The demon will not be an actual demon, but rather Levi’s “eidolon,” as a summoner’s pet creature is called in the game.)  Is the demon real?  Is it perhaps a protective spirit from some other plane that just somehow got stuck in this unsettling form?  Or maybe it’s a psychic projection of Levi himself, hinting at potential power that might be unlocked someday.  But that’s not even the point of the story.

See, in addition to being wildly inventive, my youngest child is also very crafty.  Like, as in arts-and-crafty.  She’s a maker, is what I’m saying.  And, at some point while we were coming up with all these ideas about Levi’s demon doll and how it would work in the game, she decided to draw it, for reference.  And then she decided she’d just make one.  So she did.

To be clear, she drew that picture all by herself, then (with minimal help from her mother) cut out some fabric pieces, put them together with hot glue, stuffed it with stuffing, then hot-glued all the pieces together, including the button for an eye.  What was once just a vague idea in her head is now an actual, tangible thing in the real world that she can hold on to at the gaming table.  It just blows my mind.

Did I mention she’s only just turned nine?

Anyhow, that’s my D&D story for today.  Or my cute kid story, if you prefer.  Tune in next week for what will probably be a more normal-sized post.

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1 For more details, see my post on the Family Campaign.

2 There’s also the game that my youngest—just barely 9 at this point!—runs, but that’s pretty sporadic.

3 And the long answer is: read this.

4 Pretty much any Powered by the Apocalypse game, like Dungeon World, for instance.

5 Outside of one-shots, anyway.

6 Again, see game rotation for (a few) details.

7 Currently.  He’s gone through a few name changes so far.

8 It is yet unclear whether Levi was kidnapped or ran away from home, and, if the former, who took him, or, if the latter, what possessed him to run away at 8 or 9 years old.

9 In fact, given that you summon a creature from a pocket dimension who can look like anyhting and evolves as you get to higher levels, I long ago pegged being a summoner as playing a Pokémon trainer in Pathfinder, and dismissed it outright.  I can tolerate a lot of atypical high fantasy in my D&D—monks, psionics, dinsosaurs ... even guns—but I gotta draw the line somewhere.

Saladosity, Part 18: Egg Salad

[This is the eighteenth post in a long series.  You may wish to start at the beginning.  Like all my series, it is not necessarily contiguous—that is, I don’t guarantee that the next post in the series will be next week.  Just that I will eventually finish it, someday.  Unless I get hit by a bus.]

(If you need a refresher about my salad-making lingo, go back and review our first salad.)

Well, after six years, I’ve finally gotten to the last salad from my original plan for this series.  Who knew it would take so long?  Well, I suppose pretty much anyone could have predicted it, given my track record.  But, still, it’s nice to finally arrive at the end ... of what I’d originally conceived.  Of course, in six years, one can come up with even more things to blather on about on a given topic, and salad-making—one of the best things to come out of my search to transform my diet into a more healthy one—is a font of boundless ideas.  So perhaps this won’t be the end after all.  But we’ve arrived at an end, so let’s see what awaits us here.

Egg salad.

Now, I hear what you’re saying: egg salad doesn’t count as proper salad!  It’s a sandwich spread, for fuck’s sake!  But there’s where I think you’re wrong.  I always liked egg salad as a kid, and I’ve occasionally tried to buy an egg salad sandwich at various restaurants.  They used to make a pretty decent one in the sandwich joint in our office complex at my last job.  Unfortuantely, they charged $6 for it.  So I didn’t get it very often, and, every time I did, I would shake my head at my own foolishness: I could have made a week’s worth of egg salad sandwiches for myself and still have had a few bucks left over.  And it would have been just as good ... maybe even better.  ‘Cause egg salad is easy to make, and delicious to boot.

But what does it have to with salad, you ask?  Because, despite having the word “salad” right there in the name, egg salad isn’t salad.  I don’t think there’s much debate about that.  But, once I gave up bread (temporarily¹), I started looking for other ways to enjoy things I used to use bread for.  Lettuce-wrapped burgers are just dandy, I found, while hot dogs are great if you use the mustard and relish as a dip.  I invented² “cheesewiches,” which is turkey or ham or whatnot in between two slices of cheese—bread isn’t really needed to enjoy luncheon meat; it’s just there to have something to hold on to to keep you from getting mayo on your fingers.  And, when it comes to egg salad, you can just eat it straight up, no bread required.

Or ...

Or you can actually use it as a salad dressing.  It may sound like a wacky concept at first, but give it a try: I think you’ll find that you like it as much as I do.  All it really does is give your egg salad a little crunch, and, honestly, a lot of egg salad needs crunch.  And, if you think about it, none of the individual ingredients of egg salad are that weird in the context of a salad: we used eggs in our chef’s salad, we used mayo and mustard in our autumnal salad, and salt and pepper is perfectly reasonable on salads.  And that only leaves us with ...

Pickle Relish

Okay, at first you may be thinking: who puts pickle relish in salad?  But, actually, we already did that.  We made Thousand Island dressing for our chef’s salad, and you can’t make Thousand Island dressing without pickle relish.  So, I’ve talked about pickle relish before: both for chef’s salad, and also when discussing buying pickles while shopping for dry goods.  But here’s a refresher:

• Sweet relish is too sweet.  If that’s your thing, feel free to use it, of course.  But we’re not dressing a hot dog here: we’re dressing a salad.  And you don’t need the added sugar.
• Dill pickles have zero calories, zero fat, and zero carbs.  Whether you subscribe to Whole30, Atkins, or Weight Watchers, dill pickles are an entirely free food.
• Dill pickle relish is hard to find, but almost trivial to make.

I actually explained how to make your own pickle relish for the Thousand Island dressing, but I glossed over it quickly because there was a lot more going on there.  I’ll slow it down this time:

• Take your jar of dill pickles that you bought at the store.  Pour out maybe half the juice.  (A little less than half is probably better than a little more in this case.)
• Just dump all the rest of it into your food processor or blender.
• Pulse it until it looks like relish.
• That’s mostly all there is to it, but you may need to stop and stir it all up a few times just to keep the bigger pickle chunks from hiding out in the corners and never getting diced.  And, honestly, you’ll probably still end up with a couple of bigger hunks.  But that’s fine.

And, voilà: pickle relish.  Couldn’t be simpler, really.

Egg Salad “Dressing”

Now we’ll make egg salad.  You don’t have to use this only for salads, of course.  You could put it on bread, if you’re still doing bread occasionally.  Or just eat it straight out of the container: it’s very good.  But give it a try on some veggies.  You’ll be surprised at how well that works.

Here’s all you need:

• 2 hard-boiled eggs (we boiled a bunch for chef’s salad, remember?)
• 2 big spoons of our homemade mayonnaise
• 2 full squirts mustard (I like yellow for this, but you do you)
• 4 little spoons of the pickle relish we made up above
• 2 heavy pinches of salt
• about 10 grinds of black pepper

I like to prepare the eggs the same way I would for making deviled eggs.  Just cut each one in half and pop the yolks out into your bowl.  Take the whites and cut them into big chunks: perhaps four slices the long way and four the short way.  Set the chunks aside.

You might want to use a fork to mash up the yolks a bit, but basically it’s just mixing at that point.  Put the whites in last after everything else is mixed together so they retain their shape a bit.  Tweak the pepper to your taste, but I like a lot of pepper in my eggs.  Remember, a “big spoon” is a tablespon and a “little spoon” is a teaspoon, but I’m talking about the ones you eat out of, not necessarily the exact measurements ... I very rarely measure things when making salad stuff.  Again, we’re talking quick and easy here.  Use the big spoon from the mayo to do the mixing: that saves a dish to clean up afterwards.³  You’ll probably want to use a slotted spoon for the relish to avoid getting too much juice into your egg salad; otherwise you get runny egg salad, which isn’t good for anyone.

Egg salad

As always, you’re ready, and it’s just assembly.  At its simplest, you could just take your base veggies and toss some egg salad on ’em.  (In my dressing parlance, I would advise “heavy”: this is less salad veggies with egg salad dressing and more egg salad with some salad veggies in it.)  But I’ll offer you some helpful tips:

• As always, use whatever type of veggies you like.  However, personally this is one of the very few types of salad where I usually forgo the cucumbers.  You can leave ’em in, of course—they’ll taste perfectly okay—but they’re not adding any crunch, and I don’t find the flavors mesh that well.
• On the other hand, the scallions (or onions, in a pinch) and peppers are great.  You might think it sounds weird at first, but go with it.  The lettuce, of course, is no different than having lettuce on your egg salad sandwich: it’s perfectly lovely.
• The celery is the truly amazing part though.  In fact, what I usually do is add the finely chopped celery directly into the egg salad.  Even when I’m eating the egg salad in other contexts, that celery really kicks it up a notch.
• For a truly fancy egg salad, see if you can find some watercress.  I personally can’t ever find any, but I had bought some egg salad once from a grocery store, at the butcher counter where you can buy meats or potato salad and stuff like that by the pound, and they were selling egg salad that they made fresh right there, and it had watercress in it, and it was awesome.  One day I’m going to find some watercress at some grocery store I go to and I’m going to buy a whole bunch of it and take it home and make massive batches of egg salad with it.  If you’re gonna dream, dream big, I always say.

And that’s all there is to it.  Salad with egg salad (egg salad salad?) is surprisingly good, surprisingly healthy (if you made the mayo and the pickle relish as I suggsted, there’s zero sugar and very few carbs⁴), and, if you enjoyed egg salad as a kid like I did, kind of nostalgic.  But also with a crunchier, more sophisticated taste that lets you know you’re not just easting kid stuff.  It’s a win-win.

Next time, we’ll look back over what’s changed with my salad-making procedures over the past six years.  And maybe even toss in a bonus salad or two.

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1 This was part of doing my take on Whole30, you may recall.

2 Probably not.

3 And you can even use it to eat your salad with afterwards.  I eat most of my salads with a spoon because I hate chasing bits of veggie around a bowl, but this one in particular is more of a spoon-type affair.

4 Technically, egg yolks have some carbs.  Just not very many.