Happy birthday to me

You know how I said that this weekend was my birthday weekend and I wasn’t going to promise you a full post this week?  Yeah, well, this is me delivering on that non-promise.  Or anti-promise.  Or something.

Hey, you know what I just found out?  Neil Gaiman is a Scorpio, just like me!  This is important, of course, because (as I’ve written about before), Neil is the fifth point on my pentagram of literary idols.  There are any number of excellent reasons to love Gaiman—Coraline, Stardust, Sandman, Neverwhere—but surely the epitome must be American Gods.  Read the novels, watch the series, listen to the sequel Anansi Boys as read by amazing vocal talent Lenny Henry ... get it any way you can.  And send Neil some good thoughts today.

This weekend we didn’t do much.  My computer keeled over again, so that consumed 5 hours of my life.  We watched Men in Black: International finally; it was good.  We went to a fancy Italian place that we hadn’t tried yet; the lasagna and the mushroom risotto were particularly lovely.  I worked on my D&D spreadsheets and made a small amount of progress.  And the donut shop actually had cinnamon donuts for a change!  So, overall a fine weekend.

Next week, a proper post for sure.

Dark night of the soul

This week, our lovely power company turned off our electricity for about 24 hours.  It was quite a trying experience, especially for our children, who think that if you don’t have any electronic devices, your life is pretty much over.  “I’m so BOOOOORED!!” was the call du jour.

Now, on the plus side, located as we were between (at least at one point) four wildfires, we feel very lucky that we suffered zero property damage, never had to evacuate, never were in danger of losing any of our family, be they fleshy, furry, or scaly.  So we’re very pleased about that.  On the other hand, the fact that power was restored to the vast majority of our city—including the vast majority of our very own neighborhood!—nearly 12 hours before it was to us was pretty irritating.  The Mother is of the opinion that they just plain forgot to turn us back on.  I prefer the theory that they foolishly tried to turn everyone back on at once and a couple of the circuits just keeled over dead from the shock of it all.  Either way, we’re not pleased at the extra expenditure at Costco (for flashlights and headlamps) or the food that will be slowly going bad faster than usual over the next few days and weeks.  What makes it even more frustrating is the fact that the power company claims that they have to cut the power to reduce the risk of starting new fires when the winds get high.  Yet, within minutes after they turned the power back on, a whole new fire broke out, and the current working theory (at least according to that bastion of accuracy, the Internet) is that the sudden resumption of power actually caused the fire.  So it’s quite frustrating overall.

On the plus side, my children finally got to play that Minecraft Uno game we bought them, and I now understand why people used to go to bed so damn early in the olden days.  Also, if there was any lingering doubt in my mind that I need that stupid CPAP machine to sleep, they are firmly put to rest.  I went to bed at midnight and woke up at 2am, then at 4am, then at 6am, then the next time I didn’t even bother looking at the clock because obviously it was 8am, then the next time I woke up it was 7:30am, so obviously I was wrong before, and then the power came back on 8:30am and I promptly got up and reassembled my machine and got 3 good hours of sleep.  So that was fun.

Compared to all that, nothing else this week is even worth mentioning.  Tune in next week when (hopefully) there will be a longer post.  However, next weekend is also my birthday weekend, so I make no promises.

D&D and Me: Part 5 (Multiple Personalities)

[This is the fifth post in a new series.  You may want to begin at the beginning.  Like all my series, it is not necessarily contiguous—that is, I don’t guarantee that the next post in the series will be next week.  Just that I will eventually finish it, someday.  Unless I get hit by a bus.]

[Last time I talked about some of my earliest D&D characters and why I enjoyed playing them, including the very first time I played a woman.]


I’m not sure I fully understood it at the time I wrote the last installment, but, having had some time to reflect, I think that I probably have my good friend Tim to thank for having the courage to play a female character.  It’s one of the many things I have Tim to thank for: he also taught me more about how to be a good game master than anyone else.  Tim was never bothered by playing a woman, which he did fairly often.  I recall the exquisitely icy Toxana, a drow whose class I can’t recall, but who wielded a powerful +3 sword as well as a broom of flying.  And then there was the lithe and elegant Raeze Terpsichorean, who approached battle like a dance and just flowed from enemy to enemy, slicing as she went.  The thing Tim did that was so great was to play the women exactly as he did the men: there was never any juvenilia, never any “hey, look! I’m a chick!” ... it was just that, sometimes, he was a she.  No big deal.  Looking back on it now, I doubt I would have been comfortable enough to play a woman without Tim’s example.  But, after I took the plunge the first time, I was never hesitant about doing so again.

In the midst of all these nature-based characters, I was convinced, a handful of times, to play a fighter, one of the 4 core classes that I was trying to avoid because I naturally gravitated to the paths less traveled.  Both times I decided that, if my class had to be that vanilla, I would let my freak flag fly using my choice of race.  Once, for a morally questionable mission,¹ I played a half-ogre named Trask.  I desperately tried to embrace the “just turn off your brain and deal buckets of damage” philosophy, but I hated it so much that by the time he lost his lovely plate mail to the rust monsters outside the dragon’s lair, I didn’t really care any more.  I charged screaming at the dragon and was fried to a crisp.  I vaguely remember just shrugging and starting to plan out my next character.

There was also a short stint that we referred to affectionately as “the freak campaign,” where everyone (except our resident min-max-er, who of course played a human, because: no penalties) played a totally non-standard race.  Tim was an aarakocra (bird-person) named B’Gawk, my friend Marcus played a wemic (like a centaur, but with a lion instead of a horse), our other friend Carl played a bramble (tiny faerie creature covered with thorns), and I chose the alaghi, sort of a yeti-like creature.  His name was Gron, and he couldn’t really speak the common tongue, but he was perfectly happy to work for raw meat, and he was fiercely loyal to his comrades.  (In retrospect, I still should have been a barbarian.)  But, overall, I failed to make playing a plain fighter interesting enough to hold my attention.²

Anyway, after my happy, bright, nature-y phase, I went through a dark brooding phase.  Because: Batman.  I mean, seriously ... who doesn’t love Batman?  Even I liked Batman as a kid, and I pretty much hated all the popular superheroes.  But Batman got a pass, because being all wrapped in shadows like that while punching bad guys in the face is just plain bad-ass.³  And, honestly, starting with Batman can quickly lead you to the real dark and mysterious heroes like Phantom Stranger and Ghost Rider and Moon Knight and Swamp Thing and Ragman and Cloak & Dagger ... if you have a love of horror and a love of comics, there are plenty of characters waiting in that juncture to scratch your itch.  And why not carry some of that over to your love of fantasy?

For one of our “evil campaigns,” I played a sneering, ultraintelligent psionicist named Ravell, a salt-and-pepper bearded, one-eyed gray elf, who carried, among other things, a cloak of absorption and a carpet of flying, and who had inherited Toxana’s magic longword.  For another evil campaign, I was Galbraith, a wannabe necromancer who was an expert in anatomy and necrology, worshipped Mictlantecuhtli (the Aztec god of death), had the flaw of “insane babbling,” and was too low level to animate anything really useful, so my GM (the ever-excellent Tim again, as it happened) let him wander around with a small flock of undead chickens.  Then one day I was reading over someone’s shoulder while they played Arena and saw that one of the class choices was something called “nightblade”: apparently a cross between magic-user and thief.  I was very intrigued, but that kind of thing wasn’t really doable in D&D at the time:⁴ thus far in my gaming career, we’ve only gotten as far as 2nd edition.

Then along came something called the Player’s Option series and of course we bought them all.  The first book in the series, Skills & Powers, contained a character point system, including a way to trade in some of your standard class abilities for other things.  Strictly speaking, you weren’t supposed to be able to buy the abilities of another class, but we never paid any attention to restrictions like that.  My first attempt at the “nightblade” concept was a thief who gave up some of the less useful “thief skills” in exchange for a few choice wizard schools (probably just necromancy and illusion).  Thus was born Shan Blackmoon, probably the closest I ever came to an actual Batman rip-off.  He dressed all in black, could cast some spells—but only at night!—and could use his short sword just as well in total darkness as in full daylight (thank you, blind fighting proficiency!).  Worst of all, a previous injury (I think it was something like someone had tried to slit his throat once but he miraculously survived) left him with a rough voice and a hesitancy to show his lower face and neck ... so he talked exaclty like Batman, and he had the partially exposed face thing, just in reverse.  Still, I really dug that guy, even if I couldn’t really make the mechanics work the way I wanted.

Attempt two was to do it the other way around: start with magic-user, give up a bunch of schools of magic (even the flashier ones like evocation—I wasn’t in this for the fireballs), and grab a bunch of thief skills.  This required taking a hell of a lot more flaws, so I decided this woman (my second female character, I believe) had been fathered by a demon or somesuch, so she had blue skin, red eyes, and a forked tongue.  I can’t remember if she had a tail or not, but probably.  Of course, I was essentially creating a homebrewed tiefling:⁵ tieflings probably existed by that point, but they were only in Planescape, and I don’t think we had bought that setting.  Certainly I didn’t find out what a tiefling was until a bit later, at which point I went, “oh, yeah ... wish I’d had that when I was designing her ...”  I can’t actually remember her name, except that I’m pretty sure it started with a “V” ... Valandria, maybe? Valestria?  Something like that.  Valandria-or-whatever-her-name-actually-was lived in Ravenloft, where she’d been raised by Vistani, and was used to hiding her demonic features, but, despite her appearance, she was actually quite gentle, and worked hard to overcome her cursed ancestry and the prejudicial expectations of strangers.

Of course, with today’s rules (5th edition), Shan would probably just be an arcane trickster (at worst a rogue assassin with a few sorcerer levels), and my Ravenloft waif would just be a classic tiefling warlock (or tiefling sorcerer—Strix from Dice, Camera, Action is a useful role model).  In fact, I recently(ish) did a sort-of-almost-recreation of / homage to my demon-girl for a one-shot run by my eldest: Sabina Zinkara was a tiefling rogue/warlock (inquisitive/Raven Queen patron) who fancied herself a bit of a detective.  But, back in those days, gluing together classes via Skills & Powers was the best we could manage.

Of course, in retrospect the Player’s Option series is sometimes referred to as “2.5e,” as it indicated an ackowledgement that the old edition wasn’t flexible enough and had too many restrictions.  Little did we know that a new edition was in the works, and a mere 5 years later, we had 3rd edition, with proper multiclassing, many fewer arbitrary limitations on race and class combinations, much more sane psionics rules, and a more consistent ruleset all around.  We were very excited for the new edition and my friend and ofttimes GM Tim—by that point the only other remaining member of the gaming group I’d originally joined—agreed to DM us through our first 3e campaign.  I was over my dark broody phase, and I wasn’t ready to go back to playing nature-bound characters,⁶ but I was still interested in going against the standard tropes.  I had bucked trends with druids and bards, by playing a psionicist instead of a wizard, and by trying to forge new classes out of combinations of two standard offerings.  What was left?  Well, I’d never played a monk ...



Next time: exploring 3e and the monk class, and even more things to thank Tim for.

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1 I’m pretty sure this was our trek to Dragon Mountain.
2 At least in 2e.  Fighters got cooler in later editions.
3 It also didn’t hurt that, via the pages of The Brave and the Bold, Batman introduced me to a lot of obscure superheroes, which is what I was really into.  See also part 1.
4 I mean, not really.  You could be a “magic-user/thief” if you were willing to be an elf—or could talk your DM into ignoring the race restrictions—but it didn’t really work that well, plus you were always at least 1 level behind everyone else.  Multiclassing in 2e sucked.  See also my History of Multiclassing series.
5 Although, honestly, I was probably more inspired by Nightcrawler, who was always my favorite X-Man.  I know Wolverine usually gets all the fanboy love, but I just always dug Nightcrawler.
6 Not then anyway.  I did so not long afteward though, with a class I built out of a heavily customized version of the NPC “expert” class, which I dubbed “naturalist.”

A nice break

Nothing much to say this week.  Half the humans in my family (apart from myself, of course) are off camping, and the other half and I just watched Bohemian Rhapsody, which we quite enjoyed.  Nothing else happening, really.  Hopefully a longer post next week.

Eldritch Ætherium I

"The Chase of the Black Beasts of Zephirus into the Caverns of the Demon King"

[This is one post in a series about my music mixes.  The series list has links to all posts in the series and also definitions of many of the terms I use.  You may wish to read the introduction for more background.

Like all my series, it is not necessarily contiguous—that is, I don’t guarantee that the next post in the series will be next week.  Just that I will eventually finish it, someday.  Unless I get hit by a bus.]

So, I’ve been writing quite a bit more lately about my love of D&D and other gaming topics.  Of course, writing about music, and in particular my music mixes, is another of my favorite topics.  So why not combine the two and write about a gaming mix?

I’ve talked before in this series about my discovery of Shards of Eberron, albeit briefly.  Here I was buying a D&D setting book—already somewhat of a rarity, as I’m by nature more of a mechanics nerd when it comes to D&D supplements¹—and there’s a CD in the back of it.  Why is there a CD in the back of my gaming book?  Was it perhaps supposed to be a CD-ROM (those were all the rage at the time), with some maps in PDF format or somesuch?  No, apparently it was a music CD.  But why would I need music to go along with my D&D game?  It just didn’t make any sense.  Until, you know, I actually played the damn thing.

I was blown away.  I mean, sure: I was familiar with the concept of playing music in the background while you gamed.  Some people have a fondness for “Carmina Burana” or other Da Vinci Code-style music.²  Others swore by Wagner.  But, you know: either way, that’s opera.  I don’t do opera.³  And, anyhow: I just didn’t see the point.  I don’t need music for my gaming.

But this ... this was something else.  It was orchestral, and cinematic, but definitely not opera, nor even classical.  It was like the soundtrack to an epic fantasy movie that hadn’t yet been made ... maybe never would be made.  This was the epic fantasy movie that stars you and your pals, which is why you’re playing D&D in the first place.  You’re creating an awesome story, and, dammit, why shouldn’t that story have a soundtrack?  I was so enamored by Shards of Eberron that I immediately went out looking for more music just like it.

Which is where I hit a bit of a dead end.  At the time, there just wasn’t that much going on in this area.  I found V Shane, who did music and sold it via whatever the early-aughts equivalent of DriveThruRPG was.  Eventually I stumbled across Midnight Syndicate, because they had the grace to put out an album specifically named Dungeons & Dragons ... a bit on the nose, perhaps, but it had some great tracks.  Mignight Syndicate, of course, is a prolific band, and there were dozens more albums in their back catalog, but none really had the same vibe as their D&D-focussed album.  Most of their music, as well as that of fellow “dark ambient” artist Nox Arcana,⁴ is more in the “dark and spooky” vein.  Now, some of that stuff can be good for gaming music, but not all, by a long shot.  So selections from Nox Arcana and those tracks from Midnight Syndicate not off Dungeons & Dragons will be a bit more rare here.

In fact, Shards of Eberron and Dungeons & Dragons together provide 40% of the tracks here on volume I, though I managed to bring that down on future volumes.  As you may know (or at least could guess), gaming music has gotten much more widespread now: the rise of D&D actual play (in both streaming and podcast form) means there’s a much larger market these days.  But, at the time I developed the first volume, those two sources, plus the odd track here or there from V Shane, were most of what I had.

Of course, I could come up with a few other options.  Back on Mystical Memoriam I talked about my discovery of zero-project, an Internet artist from (probably) Greece who has some great cinematic music.  On that mix, I was mining their Fairytale album; here I move on to Fairytale 2, which is somewhat similar to Evil Dead 2 in that it’s not quite a remake and not quite a sequel, but somehow a little of both.  Again, not all the tracks are great, but they hit it pretty hard when they hit it.  And of course there’s Dead Can Dance’s epic Aion, which I originally talked about way back on Smokelit Flashback II.  Much of that album has a Renaissance faire vibe to it, which means that it features a lot of music with medieval origins, or at least medieval tendencies.  And if you don’t make the connection between Renn faires and playing D&D, then I doubt much of what I have to say here is going to help you out.

So nowadays I enjoy using music while playing D&D, although I have to say that you can’t make a proper mix out of it in that context.  See, when you’re actually gaming, you want to have different playlists for different moods: one for traveling, one for being in town and visiting shops or inns, one for pitched battle, one for exploring spooky underground caverns, etc.  But those sorts of playlists don’t make good mixes: too samey.  For a proper gaming mix, you need a mixture of proper gaming music.  So I don’t use this mix to actually play D&D to.  But I love to listen to it while I work on D&D-related projects: world-building, rules tweaking, and so forth.  It always puts me in the perfect mood to create fantasy goodness.

For this mix, as with Classical Plasma, I tried to arrange the tracks in an order that would tell a bit of a musical story.  As gaming music is almost entirely instrumental (except for a few “wordless vocal” tracks, and there’s not even any of those on this volume), I’m once again stumped for a volume subtitle, and reduced to gluing various bits of song titles together.  This time around I really embraced the potential silliness that can result from this practice and produced my longest subtitle so far:⁵  “The Chase of the Black Beasts of Zephirus into the Caverns of the Demon King.” Let’s follow the journey, shall we?

“Cut to the Chase” is the opener of Shards of Eberron, and I thnk it makes a great opener here.  It builds for a bit, but pretty quickly gets to a point where you feel the scope and drama of an epic adventure.⁶  From there to “Troubled Times” by Midnight Syndicate, which further sets the tone that something dramatic (and possibly just a bit spooky) is coming.  Then we visit Amber Asylum’s “Black Lodge,” which has a feeling of marching off to battle.  This is a long song, and it gains more dark, creepy overtones as it plunges steadily forward.  Then back to Dungeons & Dragons for “Beasts of the Borderlands,” another track that gives that sweeping, epic fantasy battle feel.

From there there’s the transitional medieval street-performer vibe of Dead Can Dance’s “The Garden of Zephirus,” and then the long, meandering “Lost Map” from V Shane, which is pretty much just what it says on the tin.  Once we get off the map, we go “Into the Dungeon,” of course, for some echoey, cavernous exploration music.  Which makes a beautiful transition into the underwatery, midnight-zone feeling that Reef Project is putting out in “Deep Mysteries.” That inevitably brings us to “The Lower Dungeons,” where the foreboding of the previous few tracks seems to burst into actual danger.  The tolling of the bells is pretty standard, but I consider it a bit impressive when you can turn in a tune fueled mostly by electric guitar that still somehow fits a fantasy soundtrack.

From there we slow it down a bit by letting Midnight Syndicate take us out of the dungeons and into an “Ancient Temple,” and then Nox Arcana takes over to guide us down, down, into the “Crone’s Caverns.” Things are sounding pretty dour and the outlook seems bleak at this point, but then zero-project gives us “The Defeat of the Demon King,” which makes it all okay again.

It’s mostly downhill from there.  There’s brief detour through the brightly-coloured Coraline-chaos that’s represented here by “Wybie,” then a final bit of relaxtion as we bask in the approval of Kitaro’s “Heavenly Father.” Finally, the reprise of “Cut to the Chase” reminds us that, while the journey may be over for now, new adventures await tomorrow.

Eldritch Ætherium I
[ The Chase of the Black Beasts of Zephirus into the Caverns of the Demon King ]

“Cut to the Chase [Main Theme]” by David P. Davidson, off Shards of Eberron [RPG Soundtrack]
“Troubled Times” by Midnight Syndicate, off Dungeons & Dragons [RPG Soundtrack]
“Black Lodge” by Amber Asylum, off The Supernatural Parlour Collection
“Beasts of the Borderlands” by Midnight Syndicate, off Dungeons & Dragons [RPG Soundtrack]
“The Garden of Zephirus” by Dead Can Dance, off Aion
“Lost Map” by V Shane [Single]
“Into the Dungeon” by David P. Davidson, off Shards of Eberron [RPG Soundtrack]
“Deep Mysteries” by Reef Project, off Aquaculture
“The Lower Dungeons” by zero-project, off Fairytale 2
“Ancient Temple” by Midnight Syndicate, off Dungeons & Dragons [RPG Soundtrack]
“Crone's Caverns” by Nox Arcana, off Grimm Tales
“The Defeat of the Demon King” by zero-project, off Fairytale 2
“Wybie” by Bruno Coulais, off Coraline [Soundtrack]
“Heavenly Father (Tenchi Sohzo Shin)” by Kitaro, off Silk Road I [Soundtrack]
“Cut to the Chase [Reprise]” by David P. Davidson, off Shards of Eberron [RPG Soundtrack]

Total:  15 tracks,  71:55

Other than the sources I’ve mentioned thus far, there’s the one track from the Coraline soundtrack, which is really best suited for Phantasma Chorale, where it features prominently, but I thought this one track worked well here.  Amber Asylum has been seen before on Shadowfall Equinox I and II, but their Supernatural Parlour Collection works a bit better here.  Also featured on SfE2, as well as on Paradoxically Sized World II, Reef Project provides background music for underwater documentaries, which works perfectly for spooky, echoey sequences in gaming.  And, finally, Kitaro isn’t really known for epic fantasy music, but still his Silk Road suite occasionally comes close.  Designed as the background music for a Japanese documentary series way back in 1980, I think it’s one of Kitaro’s few albums that deviates from the meditative into a more dynamic, almost navigational feel.  It felt like an appropriate tune to help us wind down to the end of this epic journey.

Next time, we’ll celebrate the season with some more autumnal ambience.

Eldritch Ætherium II ⇒

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1 In proper gaming jargon, one would say I’m more of a crunch guy than a fluff guy.

2 To be fair, Hans Zimmer was still a year or two away from writing the soundtrack for The Da Vinci Code at the time, so “Carmina Burana” was still the go-to piece.

3 For a fuller discussion of this anti-preference of mine, check out Fulminant Cadenza.

4 Fun fact: Nox Arcana founder Joseph Vargo was a former producer for Midnight Syndicate.  This probably explains any similarities between the two.

5 A record which it will hold until we get to Eldritch Ætherium III.

6 You may also recognize it as the theme for Dice Camera Action, if you’re into watching D&D actual play.  As I theorized before, I’m pretty sure the Wizards of the Coast folks just don’t want to pay any royalties for music at this point.

Another proud father moment

Tonight my youngest told me her idea for what I believe is her first D&D character.  She will be a white-haired elven ranger with pink armor and a bow.  She likes bows, apparently ... my daughter that is, not her character.  Well, both, I suppose.  She’s getting to the age where she’s ready start playing—I suppose that, instead of finding myself a new gaming group, I’ve been breeding one.  But I’m cool with that.

My favorite part was that she had already concocted a backstory, which she described as “kinda dark.”  Remember the days when you had to explain to people what a backstory was?  Apparently kids these days are just picking it up on the streets.  I blame the Internet.

A longer post next week.

Talking Dreams

“No one wants to listen to your dreams.”

I mean, this is obvious, right?  So glaringly true that it’s practically a cliché.  After all, This American Life put it on a list of “Seven Things You’re Not Supposed to Talk About” in 2013.  In 2015, Amy Schumer worked it into a comedy skit on her show ... and that’s barely scratching the surface of how many comedians have made a joke about this.  Hell, given a Google search for the quote that introduces this blog post, we can find any number of articles expressing this thought, from sources as silly as Cracked to those as prestigious as Scientific American.  So, there’s nothing else to say about it, really.  No one wants to hear about other people’s dreams, it’s undeniably true, end of story.

Except ...

Well, I do.  I enjoy hearing about other people’s dreams just as much as I enjoy talking about mine.  Oh, sure: I don’t talk about my dreams with anyone else outside my family, pretty much in the same way that I don’t try to convince other people that Keanu Reeves can act or that Nickelback is a pretty good band, even though those are both things I believe.  But there are memes and then there are memes, ya know?  And you don’t buck “facts” that are buried in the public consciousness this deep.  Not unless you want to get into physical altercations.  Hey, I’ll bring up politics at work any time—hell, I’ll even bring up religion, if I’m feeling particularly saucy—but I will not try to convince my co-workers that Chuck E. Cheese has pretty decent pizza.  I’m not crazy.

And, honestly, I’m only going to be half-hearted in my attempt to convince you that listening to other people’s dreams isn’t the horrible thing you’ve always been told.  (And, as always, if half-hearted is still half a heart too much, feel free to remind yourself of the name of the blog.)  But it just sort of bugs me how very wrong almost everything about this myth is.  Let’s start with a quick overview of how much wrong there is in the articles from the afore-mentioned Google search.

First off, we can dispsense with the silly ones.  Cracked says:

There is no greater gap than the one between how fascinating dreams are to the dreamer and how fascinating they are to literally anyone else in the world.  Dennis from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia probably put it best: “Listening to people’s dreams ... is like flipping through a stack of photographs; if I’m not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don’t care.”

Of course, we must always remember that the entire point of Sunny is that it’s a show about terrible people and how funny it is to watch terrible people do terrible things.¹  Those of us who are not terrible people probably agree to a staggering degree that at least some photographs of other people not having sex are worth looking at.²  Also, the author was kind enough to use the word “literally,” which means his statement is trivially disprovable by providing a single counter-example, of which I am one.

The author of the opinion piece in the UK’s Metro was kind enough to do the same, right in the title: “Literally no-one cares about your dreams.”  She continues:

There is no sentence less interesting, less exciting or less compelling than: ‘I had the weirdest dream last night’.

I can (literally, even) think of dozens of sentences less exicting or compelling to me.  In fact, probably the weirdest thing about this article is that the author ends it with:

For those who are still in doubt about whether or not it’s really such a heinous crime to share the story of your dream, ask yourself this: when someone tells you about a dream they’ve had, do you find yourself rapt, begging them to carry on, to make the story longer and to provide more detail?

Well, ummm ... yes, in fact, I do.  In fact, the dream that the author invents to prove how boring dreams are is this:

... they were at the office, but it wasn’t really the office because it was in Yorkshire, and everyone kept talking about sheep.

And, perhaps bizarrely, I really want to hear the rest of that dream.

The article from Vice is a bit of a head-scratcher.  Its title is “Why People Can’t Stop Talking About Their Extremely Boring Dreams,” and it admits:

When it comes to sharing our nightly musings, the overwhelming message seems to be: Just don’t.

But then the author goes to interview Alice Robb, author of a book on dreams, and gives us this:

Robb says it can feel “very intimate” to share a dream with someone, especially depending on your relationship with that person.  But, she adds, “because dreams so often are really cutting to the heart of our emotional lives and emotional concerns, sharing them is one of the best ways to process and understand them.”

I sort of get the feeling that the author of the article is trying to have it both ways.  Or perhaps that she wishes she could advocate sharing her dreams with others but realizes that she’s never going to get anywhere with that message.

The Scientific American article is the most disappointing though.  Titled “Why You Shouldn’t Tell People about Your Dreams” and, just in case you missed the message from getting beaten over the head with it the first time, subtitled “They are really meaningful to you but not to anybody else,” it contains a plethora of “facts” that just don’t ring true:

Because most dreams are negative (support for the threat-simulation theory), our bias in favor of negative information makes them feel important.

I feel really sad that this author’s dreams apparently reinforce this belief for him, because very few of my dreams are negative (at least of those that I remember; common theory is that you forget most of your dreams).  Many of them are utterly bizarre, of course, and sometimes they’re vaguely discomfiting, but that’s very different from “negative.”  Of course, this author disagrees with my assessment of “bizarre” too:

We tend to think of dreams as being really weird, but in truth, about 80 percent of dreams depict ordinary situations.

There’s a scholarly article linked there as well, to “prove” the point, but I can only surmise that there’s a different definition of “ordinary situations” going on here, or that we’re just counting percentages differently.  Perhaps 80% of the dreams I can’t remember were about ordinary situations.  It may even be true that 80% of the dreams that I would never even want to share with anyone else are about ordinary situations.  But, come on: if I want to tell someone about my dream, it’s because it was downright weird.  Why would I want to regale you with a dream about an ordinary situation?  Why the hell would I even want to relive that dream ... because a big part of wanting to share your dreams is wanting to hold on to them.  Telling someone else about your dream manifests it, gives it reality in a way that almost nothing else will—not even writing it down.  Assuming you have a good listener, and the two of you can chuckle over the absurdities and marvel over the oddities, sharing a dream with another living, breathing soul can bring out more details than you initially thought you remembered, plus now someone else will remember your dream too.  And you can trot it out later and chat about how weird that was.

But here’s the most bizarrely incongruous passage.  Admittedly, this is the end of one paragraph and the beginning of another, but the author is the one who butted them up against each other, not me:

Just like someone having a psychotic experience, the emotional pull of dreams makes even the strangest incongruities seem meaningful and worthy of discussion and interpretation.

These reasons are why most of your dreams are going to seem pretty boring to most people.

What the hell?  “Most people” find psychotic experiences with strange incongruities and emotional pull boring?  Really?  Apparently I don’t know “most people,” because very few of the people I know would find that boring, and any I can think of off the top of my head who would aren’t people I wish I knew better, if you catch my drift.  How much imagination do you have to lack if you’re thinking, “you had a psychotic experience? that also carried emotional weight? oh, puhh-leeze—I could care less”???  Well, I’m sorry, but send those people to me.  I am fascinated to learn more.

Nevertheless, it would be foolish to completely ignore such a prevalent opinion, even if I do feel there’s quite a bit of bandwagonry going on here.  So, if you find yourself about to hear about the dream of a friend of yours, and you’re dreading it, here are some tips that maybe will make it a more pleasant experience.

A dream is not a story. It seems ridiculous that I have to point this out, but a lot of the complaints I hear about listening to other people’s dreams revolves around what an incoherent mess it is, and how there’s no proper ending to them.  Well, duh ... they’re dreams.  Dreams don’t follow internal story logic.  Dreams don’t have nice tidy beginnings and middles and ends, rising actions and falling actions and character growths.  They’re just little snippets.  Enjoy them as little snippets: little disconnected slices of unreality that can be appreciated in isolation and examined, not for meaning, but for intrinsic interest.  And, speaking of “not for meaning” ...

Stop trying to interpret the dream. This goes for whether you’re a listener or the dream teller.  Dreams don’t have to mean anything.  Sure, maybe sometimes they do, but there’s no way for you to tell whether this particular dream has a meaning or not, so stop trying to psychoanalyze it and just go with the flow.

Never ask “why?” This is sort of the combination of the above two points.  When someone tells you their dream and you respond with “but why did that part happen?” you’re missing the point.  It isn’t a story, so there is no logical answer, and it probably doesn’t have some deeper meaning, so there’s no deep psychological motivation to be found either.  It’s a question that can only make the teller feel dumb, and, I hate to tell you, but it doesn’t even have the side benefit of making you look smart, because it sounds like you’re trying to make dreams make sense, and smart people don’t do that.

And, finally, one tip for all the folks that, despite their better judgment, have decided to share their dreams anyway:

If your dream isn’t weird or unusual in some way, then don’t bother. Being a dream doesn’t exempt boring conversation from being boring.

I actually debated with myself on whether or not to share a dream of mine with you, dear reader.  On the one hand, it seems practically hypocritical not to support my premise with some actual, personal proof.  On the other, I recognize that I won’t sway everyone (or perhaps even anyone), and there’s also no point gifting people with a juicy dream if they’re not going to appreciate it.  I’ve decided to split the difference and give you just a few snippets from the dreams that I’ve had over the years.  After all, even the entire dream needs to be examined in terms of snippets, as I’ve explained above, so why not cherry pick what I consider to be the most interesting bits and leave them for you here?  Perhaps some of these will intrigue you and make you more interested to hear what other people might want to share.  Just don’t fall into the trap of thinking, “that does sound interesting ... I wonder how it turned out?”  Remember: dreams don’t have endings.  It didn’t “turn out” any particular way; it just trailed off, or transmogrified into a totally different dream, or I just woke up.  Still, these are some of my favorite dream moments.

I dreamt that I wasn’t me, but that the actual me was also in the dream, and I ended up killing myself.  I dreamt I was driving a sports car and sometimes it would take off so fast I couldn’t keep up and then I would have to chase it down and get back into it.  I dreamt that I was with an old man and two younger men (his sons? grandsons? nephews?) and the old man told them they were forbidden to be angry until sundown (because of the religious holiday), and so they sat down until dark came and then the old man sprang up and shouted “Now we go get the bastards!” I dreamt I was writing a script that was being produced while I was still trying to finish it, and one of the characters was a disgusting cartoon cat named “Stash.” I dreamt that I dropped a pill in the carpet and, when I went looking for it, I found three completely different pills, one of which was a shiny rose-pink one partially covered with a hard white candy coating designed to resemble foam.  I dreamt my vacation cabin was invaded by badger-like creatures that hunted like the velociraptors from Jurassic Park.  I dreamt that my little sister was upset because she had to do a magic trick in front of her classmates and she was afraid they would find out that she was actually a witch.³ I dreamt that I was in love with the manager of an all-girl band, and at the end of the dream she turned into a ferret in my arms.  I dreamt that a sister and brother swam out to the middle of the ocean to a house that sat up on stilts, too high to reach, and they rang the underwater wind chimes that were the secret way in.  I dreamt about hoods made out of writhing tentacles that were forced onto your head, making you catatonic.  I dreamt that we were attempting to defeat a demonic carpet using holy water and blessed post-it notes on which had been written the address of Hell.

Somtimes I dream about famous people.  I dreamt that I was a noble at the time of the French Resistance, and my friend was played by Ryan Gosling.  I dreamt that Alex Keaton (as portrayed by Michael J. Fox, naturally) grew up to be an alien geneticist and lived in Eureka.  I dreamt that Terry Jones tricked me into giving him the answer he wanted about Parliament.  I dreamt that President Obama helped me investigate a mystery during which we uncovered a body but we couldn’t notify the authorities just yet, because we were too close!  I dreamt that I was telling Liam O’Brien about a dream I had in which I tried to ward off a bullet by holding up my hand and (of course) the bullet went right through it.⁴ I dreamt that I met actor Clifton Gonzalez Gonzalez and was trying to remember what movie I knew him from and he was helpfully recreating some of his past roles to try to jog my memory.

Sometimes all I get out of the dream is litte more than a name.  These are all names from my dreams: Stephen J. Tourettsal, Mark Hanahan, Renwe, Johnny “D-Legs” Crab, Freefall,⁵ A.B.E. (whose name was short for “Android Beyond Expectations”), Dar Beck (a weatherman), Memory (the ex-girlfriend of my eldest child), Merlock and Etheros and Devane (ethnic Riufus⁶ from Latvia and/or Russia), Boxilea Toxicity Brown (“Boxy” for short), Aryn Gill (an anthropomorphic duck wih a human sister named Deborah who had had small role in Pretty in Pink), Mitch (a female aerospace engineer; apparently her real name was Abigail Mitchell, at least according to Samuel L. Jackson, who shouted it out during an emotionally charged scene), the Captain Alexander (a drink, made with Alexander rum, of course⁷), Briscol (a town), Nacho de Vaca (a medieval town in Spain), fontana blue (a color), Pedrolischizenko (a dog whose owner only spoke to him in Hungarian⁸), SQL Snitch (a database of criminal informants), macrocellular degenerative evolution (an alien genetic disease), YaHaNaHael (a monster), Pontebello (a fancy book about cake and Hermetics).

Sometimes I all remember is a quote: “Men and women cannot coexist without blood somewhere.”⁹  “When a statement conveys a Great Truth, it matters not if it is a little lie.”

None of these are sensible, and very few of them have any deeper meaning.  But I think they’re all interesting, at least.  If any of my friends have bits and pieces of vignettes that are as interesting at these, I would love to hear about them ... cultural taboos be damned.  Dreams are insane, and surreal, and wonderful, and perturbing, and occasionally all those things at once.  I’m glad I know as many of them—mine and those of others I’ve been fortunate enough to hear—as I do.  Perhaps you should give it a try some time.  You never know what you’ll hear.

__________

1 Whether you actually find this funny or not probably varies from person to person.

2 If you somehow don’t believe that, just go find any of the number of sites full of staggeringly beautiful nature photos.  Here’s one to get you started.

3 Note: I do not have a sister, little or otherwise.

4 Note: the dream I was explaining was not a previous dream I’d actually had, but rather part of the same dream.

5 A character who I ended up adapting for my ongoing novel; you can see a cameo from him in Chapter 2 concluded.

6 Note: not a real ethnic group.

7 Note: not a real rum.

8 Note: I do not actually speak Hungarian.

9 To be fair, I was much younger when I dreamed this one.

That fresh new operating system smell ...

So, this weekend, I finally upgraded my laptop’s operating system, a disagreeable task that I’ve been putting off for about 4 months now.  Many of my friends and coworkers are no doubt wondering what the big deal is: just do it already.  Some of you may even be thinking that I was avoiding it just because it would involve rebooting my computer.  But my computer was crashing every few weeks anyway, which is why I agreed to this unpleasantness in the first place.  No, it’s not the pain of rebooting—don’t get me wrong: that’s a very real pain—it’s the massive time suck.  For the past several months, I’ve been working on some tricky stuff at $work, and the thought of being without a computer for a big chunk of the weekend was just a non-starter.

And, in case you’re thinking that my assessment of the amount of time it would take to upgrade my OS as “a big chunk of the weekend” is an exaggeration, I’ve now completed the task and I can tell you: it’s around 8 hours.  That’s soup-to-nuts, of course ... starting with trying to back everything up (upgrading your OS shouldn’t delete all your files, but it’s one of those things that you really don’t want to take any chances on), upgrading all the packages to the latest versions before starting, doing the actual upgrade, then trying to reconfigure whatever was deconfigured by being upgraded against your will.  But, still: 8 friggin’ hours.  It’s a major chore.

But the good news is that I completed the second of my 3 simultaneously ongoing major projects on Friday, so I had some free time, and I figured, what the hell.  So now it’s done.  It’s too early to say for sure, but I’m cautiously optimistic that the laptop situation is improved.  Maybe not entirely fixed, but at least better.  Probably.

It’s a short week this week, so this is all you get.  Tune in next week for something more substantial.