Doom Report (Week 35: Comedy Is Illegal Again)

Remember when we used to have the First Amendment?  Those were fun times.  Nowadays, the First is joining the Fourth, the Fifth, the Fourteenth, the Twenty-Second ... pretty soon the Second Amendment will just be called “The Amendment” and then we won’t have so much to learn in school.

Because this week, Donald Trump’s FCC forced Jimmy Kimmel off the air.

Now, I’m not a huge fan of Kimmel—I’ve only quoted him twice in these Doom Reports (once in week 21 and once way back in week 1), vs the dozen or so times I’ve referenced Colbert or Seth Meyers.  But I watch him every now and again, and, to quote Hasan Piker:

What do you think of Jimmy Kimmel?  It doesn’t matter, okay?  For all intents and purposes, I am Jimmy Kimmel’s most loyal servant.  I am his fedayeen going forward.  I didn’t give a fuck about Jimmy Kimmel until this very moment.  Now he’s my GOAT.  Do you understand?  Because what is going on here is far more consequential than my own personal distaste for, like, Jimmy Kimmel’s jokes or whatever.  What’s going on here is this administration playing out its agenda of suppressing whatever they see fit.

And, I have to say, I really don’t like it when the news forces me to explain to my children what “McCarthyism” was.  Especially when I have to explain that there is no “have you no decency?” moment coming for us.  All the Republicans have their faces in the dirt because they’ve prostrated themselves to Dear Leader, and all the Democrats are writing sternly worded letters.

And, look: a lot of people misunderstand the First Amendment.  Remember when all the right-wing nutjobs were getting kicked off Twitter and Facebook for lying, back when those platforms actually cared about such things?  They all cried about how the companies were violating their First Amendment rights.  Except that a company can’t violate your First Amendment rights, because the First Amendment doesn’t protect you from companies: it protects you from the government.  If you want to use the service of a company, you have to follow its rules.  And, if the rule is, no blatant lying, and you go around spreading bullshit like it’s going out of style, you get the hook.

So, isn’t this the same thing?  Kimmel wasn’t cancelled—excuse me, indefinitely pre-empted—by the government, but by ABC, which is a company.  No harm, no foul ... right?  One might think so.  But then one would be ignoring the fact that FCC chairman Brendan Carr went on a right-wing podcast and said that Kimmel had to be suspended, and that ABC and its affiliates could “do this the easy way or the hard way.”  That’s not me saying that Carr was acting like a Mafia boss—those were his literal words.  So I guess I am saying that he was acting like a Mafia boss, but please don’t take my word for it.  Read about it in Variety, watch it on The Daily Show, listen to Stephen Colbert discuss it in detail.  You can hear the Even More News crew talk about the aftermath of the firing, or you can even hear them practically predict it in a video from the day before the event.

So this was government action: the head of a government agency threatened affiliates with government retribution if they didn’t comply with his wishes, and one of the biggest affiliate networks needs government approval because they want to own more than 40% of the local TV stations in the country.  So Nexstar condemned Kimmel’s comments as “offensive and insensitive,” and in turn threatened ABC, which is owned by Disney, which has already capitulated to Trump once and apparently had zero problem doing so again.

So! what exactly were these “offensive and insensitive” comments that Kimmel made about Charlie Kirk’s death?  Actually, he didn’t say anything about Charlie Kirk’s death—or indeed about Charlie Kirk at all.  You can see the clip of his show played interminably in any number of those videos I linked above, but, basically, he said that the MAGA crowd was “desperately trying to characterize this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them” and that they were trying to score political points.  Which is, you know: true.  He also played a clip where a reporter asks Trump how he’s doing after the shooting and Trump says “I’m doing great! look at my new ballroom!” to which Kimmel responds: “This is not how an adult grieves the murder of someone he calls a friend.  This is how a four-year-old mourns a goldfish.”

Literally nothing about Kirk.  Not nothing that could be considered offensive, or insensitive—literally nothing at all.  It’s possibly the only time in the history of human discourse where you can take a statement as subjective as calling someone’s comments offensive and insensitive and classify it as categorically false.  He got cancelled because he hurt their feelings, and they didn’t like it.  And, for fuck’s sake: the First Amendment means that even if he had said something offensive and/or insensitive, the government wouldn’t have the right to do anything about it anyway. People could write letters to ABC, executives could take Kimmel aside and have stern words with him, but the fucking chairman of the FCC has to stay the fuck out of it.

Except he didn’t.

So that’s why people are calling this a First Amendment crisis, and pointing out that this is how dictators start.  That’s why, when Jon Stewart interviewed Maria Ressa, she notes that she told him in March that shit was happening much faster here than it had in her native Philippines.  She (somewhat chillingly) says:

I think that was why we spoke in March.  Because I was like, this is happening.  If you do not reclaim your rights—if you don’t stand up—it’s going to be significantly harder to claw them back.

How prescient of her.

And I’m glad that all these stories are coming out and pointing out the hypocrisy.  I’m glad that Stephen Colbert plays the clip of Brendan Carr himself saying that political speech should be protected.  I’m glad that BTC is playing his clip montage of Trump, Musk, Hegseth, RFK Jr, Ramaswamy, Tucker Carlson, JD Vance, and finally Musk again, all saying things like “if we don’t have free speech, we don’t have a country any more” and “free speech only matters when it’s someone you don’t like”—he’s basically been playing it on a loop, and I guess I’m glad for that even though I’m starting to get a bit sick of it.  I’m glad that so many people keep playing that clip of Musk saying “comdey is legal again!”  I’m glad that Colbert resurrected his right-wing nutjob Colbert Report host character to do one more installment of “The Wørd”; today’s word? Shhhhhh!.  I even managed to laugh out loud when, during the report from the Daily Show correspondents, Ronny Chieng is called out because his tie is not “MAGA red” and he responds “Can you calm down?  God, is this your first dictator?”  (He goes on to point out that “They don’t care about the exact shade, OK?  It’s just about being visibly uncomfortable while you praise them like a toddler.”)  But I would be much happier if there was no need for all that commentary.

Other things you need to know this week:

• The main Some More News episode this week contains a good rundown of all the fascisms thus far.

• Legal Eagle has a great video highlighting Jeannine Pirro’s failure to indict ham sandwiches (and everyone else too).

• Another good weekly round-up from Adam Kinzinger.

• Not technically this week, but it took me a few extra days to get around to watching it: Hasan Minhaj Doesn’t Know interviewed Karen Hao about AI, and I think it’s one of the most balanced perspectives on AI I’ve seen in months, if not years.  She doesn’t try to convince us that AI is stupid and useless and overhyped (even though much of it is), but nor does she try to persuade us that it’s going to change our lives forever (even though there’s a bit of truth to that as well).  I especially love the part where Hasan asks her if AI will take people’s jobs and she makes a point that I also often make: AI likely can’t take your job, but that doesn’t mean it won’t take your job.  Or, as she puts it: “So the reason why AI is going to automate jobs is not always going to be because the AI tools are actually up to snuff.  It’s because people are putting the cart before the horse and just getting rid of workers, being pulled into this allure that AI is the solution.  ...  because ultimately it’s not actually AI taking your job: it’s humans.  It’s an executive deciding that your job is now redundant.”

This is quite possibly the least hopeful I’ve been since the very beginning.  Hearing Maria Ressa saying “I warned you!” (I mean, she was much more polite than that, but that’s what it sounded like in my head) ... rereading my own words from week 7:

... maybe, in retrospect, we’ll look back on this moment and say, “no, it was inexorable ... we just didn’t realize it yet.”  Man, I hope not.

and then realizing that even that feeble hope has been dashed ... it’s tough.  Perhaps the best I can do is point you at something that, if you’re a Millennial, or the parent of a Millennial, you might appreciate.  Steve Burns, late of Blues Clues, has a new video podcast called Alive, and it’s encouraging, uplifting, and soothing.  If you never watched Blue’s Clues, you might not appreciate it fully, but give it a try anyway: I think there’s something there for everyone.  Two episodes out so far.

Kimmel may sue, if only for the benefit of his staff and crew.  He may get some money out of it, and I’m sure he’ll use that to make his employees whole, but he won’t get his show back.  Colbert gets to keep going till May—hopefully!—and I suspect he won’t get his show back either.  And Trump has already said that Fallon and Seth Meyers are “next.”  That’ll be four of the Strike Force Five, and John Oliver is a recently naturalized citizen, so I suspect he may be even easier to dispose of than the rest.  So perhaps we’ll be treated to a resurrection: Strike Force Five: AntiFascism Edition.  But where will it air?  YouTube is owned by Google, and their CEO was one of the billionaires given priority seating over the Cabinet members at the inauguration.  So I’m not sure that’s the answer.  Twitch is owned by Amazon, and Bezos has already helped out the regime by hobbling the Washington Post, so there’s no hope there either.  Maybe we’ll get the modern equivalent of The Boat that Rocked, a fictional account of the real-life pirate radio stations that broadcast from ships in international waters off the coast of Britain in the 60s when BBC Radio refused to play that new, evil “rock’n'roll” garbage.  Dunno about you, but I would go to some lengths to tune into a pirate signal that featured a rotating cast of all the comedians suppressed by our current regime.  Sounds like a rockin’ show.